Caring for Seniors and the Power of Vulnerability

Is your version of the ideal caregiver thick-skinned, poised, and efficient?

Often, it is suggested that those in caregiving roles, especially those who are caring for seniors, practice self-care, prioritize boundary setting, and appoint time to relax in order to practice caregiving well.

However, while these practices are extremely important, the caregiving relationship can easily become a harmful parent-child or boss-employee scenario where one party does all the giving and the other does all the receiving. This is where the power of vulnerability comes in.

Vulnerability allows the caregiver to be a proper human being – and not just an efficient machine with whirring motors producing all the right things (with this machine-like imagery, it’s no wonder we often talk about “caregiver burnout")!

As researcher Brené Brown says in a famous TED Talk on the subject, vulnerability helps you “become real.” And it goes both ways – as you model vulnerability, you invite others to practice vulnerability as well, making both parties more willing to be fully themselves.

Here are some key ways to practice vulnerability as you are caring for seniors:

Admit and own mistakes.

Taking responsibility for unkind words or abrupt actions is not easy but it is necessary. Use words to confess to the senior you are serving that you make mistakes and are sorry for them. Your care receiver may be willing to do the same after they watch you model this behavior.

Share your fears and insecurities.

It is a tempting inclination not to look weak in a relationship, especially when you are caregiving. However, admitting our fears – whether they be a fear of not giving enough, of not being able to be available – accomplishes a couple of important things: for one, speaking our fears allows us to step back and examine them for what they are. Secondly, it reveals our true limitations – a key element of being human. Finally, it gives our care receivers the freedom to talk about fears as well, which can serve as a launching pad for deeply personal conversations.

Ask for and receive help.

One of the easiest things to do as a caregiver is imagine yourself not to have needs. While there are needs that can only be met by a spouse, a child, an allotted time frame to go to an appointment, figuring out ways to invite others to help you meet needs is very worthwhile. Perhaps you can think of a creative way to ask a care receiver to engage you in a conversation on a topic you need help figuring out, or maybe there is a skill you could learn.

Feel things.

In constant distress and situations with seniors which run high with emotions, caregivers are subject to the temptation of adopting a perpetually thick skin. While this is an important way to resist the rollercoaster often presented by aging adults, it is important to find ways to recognize and affirm your feelings. As Brené Brown, says, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” In other words, you risk losing the ability to feel joy as a caregiver when you reject all feelings of disappointment, hurt, frustration and despair that you might feel in your caregiving relationship. Find ways to give voice to these emotions through self-talk, journaling, or talking with a trusted friend.

Today, as more and more people become caregivers almost overnight to aging loved ones, it is increasingly important to be a caregiver with the courage to be vulnerable.

- Bethany Mortelliti, Administrative Assistant in Marketing and Communication