Loving Your Aging Parent ... In Their Love Language

Maybe you have heard of Gary Chapman’s book called The Five Love Languages. In the book, he explains that he sees five primary ways in which people extend love to one another. Usually, each person favours one, or maybe two, of the five. According to Chapman’s analysis, a person will feel most loved when they are spoken to in their love language.

When caring for aging parents, it can be fruitful to consider their love language. You may be set on giving them lots of quality time, but maybe what they crave most is a word of affirmation. Perhaps you don’t know how much they would appreciate a handwritten card, a bouquet of flowers, or a framed photograph, or how much a hug or a hand on their arm while you visit might be appreciated.

The following is a brief summary of the five love languages:

Words of Affirmation – people who have words of affirmation as their primary love language treasure words. These words can come in various forms – over the phone, in person, via a written note. Intentionally chosen and uplifting words about a person’s character, accomplishments and successes will be particularly appreciated.

Quality Time – people who enjoy quality time believe that being together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. For these people, the important thing is that the time you spend together is “high quality” – turning off the television and having a focused conversation, or playing a card game together.

Gifts – people who have gifts as their primary language feel most loved when they receive a physical token that says, “I remembered you.” Gifts do not have to be costly - a handwritten card, a copy of a newspaper article that made you think of them, a bouquet of flowers or a chocolate bar will make their day.

Acts of Service – people who speak in acts of service appreciate the time and effort you take to be aware of their needs and assist them with their responsibilities. Oftentimes, it can feel like most of the ways in which you show love to an aging parent is by doing the “chores” of driving them to appointments, or getting groceries. However, if you realize that this is their primary love language, doing these things joyfully can be understood as the best way to tell your parents that you love them.

Physical Touch – people who enjoy physical touch seek to be close in order to feel loved. Ideas for practicing this language include being generous with hugs, sitting close, holding their hand. For Mom (or even Dad) a pedicure might do the trick!

Chapman says that people tend to give in the same language in which they like to receive. Consider each of the languages and try to observe how your parent tended to show love towards you when you were growing up, and try to say “I love you” back in their language.